Hello Horizons
Previously letters to Hana. I don't know who I'm writing to now, but I just need to write it somewhere.
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Hana,
This summer’s backpacking plans seem to be falling apart, but I know we’ll make it out there together again someday.
<3
Katie
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So I don’t usually post on here, but I just need a place to organize my thoughts…
So Christmas….
This is by far my favorite holiday. I love how I see my whole family laughing (and lets be honest: getting really fucking drunk) together. I love giving presents, and just seeing the expression on peoples face when they open something really special (not saying I give good gifts, I actually usually don’t and don’t think I get this reaction very often, but when it’s someone life my brother who is perfect at it…. it just makes me happy) So far for Christmas we’ve had the Chinese side of the family’s gathering, polar express, photo with Santa, Christmas Eve (which includes the talent show and Night Before Christmas reading), Christmas morning at Nani’s, and Christmas Dinner tonight at my house. I’m so tired, but I love this. There is one thing that makes me uncomfortable though: recieving gifts. I don’t know what it is about it, but I just know that I don’t need much and I feel bad that I got an iPad for Christmas. I actually haven’t told my friends because I feel spoiled. And I’m not good with expensive things, I always seem to break them and it’s not good. I am really grateful and it was beyond nice of my parents, I had no idea they would do this. I just wish I could give back to everyone more. I feel like I don’t give enough.
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It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living: I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longings.
It doesn’t interest me in how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interesting me where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from the fear of future pain.I want to know if you can sit with pain; mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with Joy. Mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to become careful, realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.It doesn’t interest me who yo know, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
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I doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you tryly like the company you keep in the empty moments.― The Invitation: Oriah Mountain Dreamer (via sunsets-and-jetlines)
(Source: sunsetsandjetlines)
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I still feel so raw from last night.
I told Kira and Ingrid how it brought back some memories and feelings from who I used to be, and how I have absolutely no idea who I want to be. I know I don’t want to be fucked up like I used to be before my change, but immediately after, I know I was brainwashed, but it’s still hard to tell whether that was good, becuase I felt like I KNEW what I was supposed to due, or bad, because I was just reciting what I’d been told and forced to literally repeat over and over again; my commitments to “no drug, alcohol, or tobacco products, sexual contact, running away, and acts of violence against myself (or others.)” Was I really happy? Since being home I’ve broken everyone except running away (which sometimes entered that back of my mind) and hurting anyone else (because I’m incapable and would never do that, commitment or not.) I just need to think.
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Hana,
I broke down today. You haven’t responded to my text that I can’t come down to see you on the 11th. I miss the way we used to talk before you got sent away. My friend Chelsea asked about wilderness today. I didn’t know how to describe it, I haven’t in so long. I feel like it was so long ago that it’s easy to pretend it didn’t happen. That I’m more normal, but I’m not. Everything stresses me out and I just want to be good enough. This is the time where my grades start slipping and everything falls apart. Everything IS falling apart. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’m always doing something wrong. I hate it. I wish I could just call you and talk to you, I’m so exhausted. I haven’t broken down like that in a long time. Miles helped me a lot though. I hope you can meet him someday. I love you, I think I’m going to pass out now.
-Katie
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Now that Hana’s home, this can’t be hello-hana anymore, but I don’t want to delete this blog. So now it’s hello-horizons.
<3
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i love this
<3
katie
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[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
sorry it’s so quiet.
<3
Katie
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i hate how i cant write on this without someone seeing and then texting me criticizing what im writing to YOU
-hannah
p.s.
miss you love you. i see you in 2 days
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-HANNAH
hana you know my life/mind/body never revolves around any boy, no matter how special he is. ok? its always been like that, always will be. I MISS YOU SO MUCH I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!!!!!! YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME MY BEAUTIFUL CREATURE!!!!!!!!! UWDHFCUWEGHICFGUWEICGWEUCIGWEIUCGWIWGECIWEGIWUGECIUWGECIUWGEWUGCEWUGCE 4 MORE DAYS!
